you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Randomize
