I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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