i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
did i just pee glitter
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
