i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Are these your boobs on my camera?
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