He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
