i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
