Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
