I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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