i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
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