i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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