I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
