i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
