The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
Randomize
