That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
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