You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Still dying that you shit outside
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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