Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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