I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
