I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Randomize
