Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
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