you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
