Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
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