It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
You took a bar mat shot.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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