Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
