Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
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