I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Randomize
