he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize