Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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