My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
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