whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Randomize
