Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
I AM VODKA MAN
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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