Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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