he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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