Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
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