Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
