I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
