dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I think your dad took our porno
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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