I feel great
I just peed on a car
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
