Is it wrong to beat off to a girl to determine if you like her or not?
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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