My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
This can only be settled by a dance off.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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