I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Randomize
