I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
