you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
Randomize
