I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
