i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
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