i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
Randomize
