didnt we say no more talking to eachother
it will help you get over me i promise
im horny
ok i will unlock the door
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
i guess it's bad bediquette to quote the kool aid man
?
he said oh yeah and i responded with OHH YEAHHHHH!
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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