new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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