Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
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