I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
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