I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
