it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
