gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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