just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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