I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Randomize
