It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize