Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
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