Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize
