Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
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