in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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