im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Randomize
