Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
