Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
