I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
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